March 5, 2013 by kholzhauer
As I said in my previous post, I don’t always know what looks good on me. At times,
I’m terrible at dressing myself. Hell, right now I’m rocking shark footie PJs (and doing all my laundry.) Still, unorthodox taste in PJs not withstanding, I know
what doesn’t work. On me, on others. And sometimes, honestly, It’s kinda fun to snark about the bad shit. Because seriously, there’s a lot of bad shit out there. So, while I can’t tell you what looks awesome on me, I can tell you what really, really doesn’t. Things I don’t have in my closet, things I shouldn’t have in my closet, and things that maybe shouldn’t exist in fashion in the first place.
For one, Skinny Jeans/Pants. Now don’t get me wrong, these definitely work on some people. Just not me. I’m muscular through the legs (hello, triathlons) so to get skinny jeans over my epic calves and awesomely thunderous thighs, I need to buy them about 10 sizes too big in the waist. And then they sag in the butt and I look like I’m rocking a really awkward diaper. This isn’t to say that skinny jeans aren’t lovely on some people (I’m looking at you, fashion waifs) but they look dumb on me.
And speaking of jeans, let’s talk about overly embellished back pockets. They were cute when I was 12, but really, as a grown up human being, why? I have a pretty awesome butt, but even so, I don’t need to turn it into a disco ball. Plus, how do you comfortably sit down on all the rhinestones? Ladies, I realize that we all want to look young, but hyper-embellished butts need to stop. If it was cute when we were in junior high school, there’s pretty much a 100 percent chance that we’ve outgrown it by now.
You won’t find any fancy-butt jeans in my closet. The way I see it, if my butt isn’t fancy enough, I’m not working hard enough in the gym. Don’t use bling as a crutch. Do squats and lunges.
Enough about pants.
Let’s move on to more general things. Colors. Mint Green. It’s trendy, yes. And on those people lucky enough to have a tan or just the right shade of pale skin, it looks kinda pretty. On me, it leads to looking pretty washed out. You won’t find any mint green in my closet, but it really does seem to be popping up onto every home design/fashion/lifestyle blog out there. I respect the trend (that may be a lie) but I’m sure as hell not going to be rocking that color. Also on my banned color list: Yellow, Orange, Brown, and neon. They look stupid on me.
Also on my list: The suddenly ubiquitous mullet skirt. Yes, you may have awesome shoes, you may have awesome legs, but your skirt looks like a mistake, not a fashion decision. As with the mullet haircut, the mullet skirt should simply fall out of fashion and never ever reappear. What? are the front of your knees cold while the backs are toasty? Do you just not want to get lattice pattern on the back of your thighs while sitting on lawn furniture? I don’t understand the mullet skirts. Fashion bloggers out there, please explain it to me. Or kill it off. That’ll work. This can also be said for mullet shirts. Just weird.
Also, the whole super skinny belt OVER cardigan and dress thing really makes me uncomfortable. I’ve tried it. I like the idea of having a defined waist. I’m built athletically and my waist isn’t always the smallest, so you’d think it’d work, but on my proportions, it just looks strange. I get that it does wonders for some people, but it just looks weird on me. And belting a wide open cardigan looks weird to me always. It’s like you just forgot to do your buttons.
Also on the list? Babydoll tops. It’s not them, it’s me. What looks cute on an A cup without hips (again, hello fashion waifs) makes me look about 7 months pregnant. Why? I’m a woman. I have curves. I wear around a 6-8. I have hips and a C cup. Floaty shirts equal horribly pregnant. Not that there’s anything wrong with being pregnant. Unless I’m the one being it.
Also, bra tops. Specifically when they’re worn as shirts.
I have a few cute longline bras I wear under things, but ladies (and gents, I guess,) when you’re wearing something that looks like this, you’re pretty much wearing your underwear out in public. Now I’m no prude, and I’m no old lady, but this isn’t a look for me. Or anyone really. And this is coming from someone who actually HAS worn their underwear out in public. On a Dare. And, as part of a truly misguided superhero costume at one point in my life. Lack of planning plus the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival means wearing underwear on the outside of my footie PJs and calling myself supershark. And no, there will NOT be any pictures of that for you all to see. Any way. Bras to hold the boobies up = cute and mostly necessary. Bras INSTEAD of shirts = dumb.
Also on my list: Anything sold at American Apparel, other than the very basics. And by basics, I mean t-shirts, not petticoats and metallic leggings. Leggings as pants (Except at the gym). 96.2 percent of everything sold in the women’s section of Urban Outfitters. Anything super ruffly (I’m not into looking like a cupcake.) Things without defined waists (including delightful, 20’s style stuff with dropped waists). 80 percent of the shirts at anthropologie. For one, they’re expensive. For two, Anthropologie really seems to hate boobs. Tutus as skirts. Giant statement necklaces (If i wanted to rock a breastplate I’d become a cosplayer.) Super short shorts. Elastic Waist anything (except this one skirt I have).
That’s it. For Now.