Fitness Goals/Pole Goals


March 26, 2013 by kholzhauer

So apparently fitness is an important part of life. Especially if you, like me, are trying to lose some pounds. My last job a 60 or so hour a week gig, and it was largely a desk job. Between sitting all day, stress-drinking at night, and delicious company lunches (and directing cooking shows) I packed on the pounds. As I’m starting new, it’s time to amp up my fitness level. Now this may not be the “fittest year of my life,” or anything super inspirational. I don’t expect to magically melt into a size 0 supermodel. But I do want to drop the 15 or so pounds I gained on my last job. And then maybe 10 or so more.

That’s right, folks, 25 pounds total. I’m going to go from a fucking size 6-8 (you know, because sizes vary hugely between stores) to a 4-6. I’m also going to tone the fuck up. That’s the big one. I’d like my more thunder and less jiggle in my thighs, less wiggle in my arms, and abs. Not great abs, not a 6 pack, just some damn abdominal definition.

So what do I plan on do about it? Well, nothing earth-shattering. I’m gonna eat healthy and exercise. By eating healthy I mean eating healthier (less french fries, less booze, more green shit) to a point. I’m not one to give everything up, and I’m really not one to follow wacky trend diets. I mean hi, give up gluten if I don’t have to? All the delicious foods have gluten! Fuck that noise.

But other than eating a moderately more healthy diet (I don’t do too badly to begin with) it’s all about fitness. Currently my schedule is pretty sporradic. I try to go running once a week. I try to go swimming a couple times a week (normally reduced to once. I’m lame.) I do pole dance twice a week at least.

Yeah, I said it. I do pole dance to work out. Now, before the ultra conservative types come crawling out of the woodwork to condemn me for shaking what my mother gave me, let me me be clear. I’m not a stripper. I couldn’t be a stripper. Schmoozing terrifies me, not to mention the 8 inch hells.

So why pole dance? I tried it once and I stuck with it. Barring vacations, I’ve done pole twice Imagea week for the last 2 years. And I really like it. I think a big part of it is that I can see measurable progress at the end of class. This week, I’ve finally got my shoulder mount (not me in the picture, but isn’t she an inspiration?) to the point where I hit it consistently. That’s progress for me, not because I’m too weak, but because I’m a giant bitch about the pain that comes along with the shoulder mount. Lots of pressure. One tiny, sensitive place. No fun.

So along with upping my cardio intake, actually swimming twice a week and more running, til I can finally run a 15k without slowing down to a walk at all, I have a whopping ton of pole goals I really want to achieve. And these will be measurable in a way that a lot of fitness goals aren’t. For people who need real time results to be motivated to workout, I highly suggest pole.

First up, my elbow grip Ayesha (and elbow grip handspring down from here.) I’m about 50


percent on this move. I don’t lean back enough with my butt to really put the weight into the elbow. I have a feeling that once I get the sensation of tipping back and having most of my weight in that elbow, it’ll be all smooth sailing. I just need to get over the fear and figure out how to make it right. I’m close (especially on those comfy 50mm brass poles, but not quite there.

ImageNext, the Allegra. I’ve never actually attempted this one, but I totally understand the mechanics (I think.) I don’t have a flat split on the side that I’m most secure on. And let’s face it, I barely have a flat split on my other side, so If I need that full 180 degree split, I’m fucked. But I think that I can get this. It just looks so pretty that I really really want to have it.


Along with the allegra comes the Jayde. I’ve got the grip down pretty solid, but I can’t seem to just get my legs down. I’ve been told it’s less of a split than a twist, but I can’t even seem to fake a flat Jayde.  So maybe I need to get that right side split (or get a solid grip on the left) in order to do this. Or just really push it with the hips? I’m not sure.

ImageNext, Superman. I should be able to get this. I’ve done it a couple times. I just need to figure out a seamless and pretty way to do it without the sexy grunts that come along with it (and without banging my lady-meat against the pole on the way in.) I don’t know what my deal is. Maybe I’m more of a villain than a superhero. (edit – I DID IT!)


Next up, this iguana grip thingy.Chances are, you’ve seen this picture dicking around pinterest. I can kinda sorta almost layback and get my hands into it but then I either start slipping and need to bring my legs back together or I just fall and make a really loud noise. It gains me the sympathy of my pole classmates, but not much of a sense of accomplishment. What’s the trick to the grip? Is there a better way to go into it than from a layback? Someone clue me in. I’ve fallen on my head one too many times trying to perfect this, and it’s terrible for my dignity, if not my brain cells.

Well, as you can see, I’ve got my work cut out for me. Coming late summer, early fall, will be a whole new set of pole goals, plus some progress updates. And maybe, if you’re lucky and I look good and skinny in the picture, some actual photos of me. Because lets face it, I’m not putting up a picture of myself in my skivvies unless I look hot.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Issues with pole dancing as a workout? Leave a comment.


2 thoughts on “Fitness Goals/Pole Goals

  1. […] Pole Goals post has really helped me keep track of what I’m working on. I really need to go through and […]

    • I like the idea of pole goals as well.. They keep me focused.. I love it, this week I am trying to accomplish/make pretty a jade split.

      The instructors make it look so easy, sigh..


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