Guide to drinking like you’re not 21 anymore.


April 13, 2013 by kholzhauer

Guess what? I’m not 21. Now to some of you (I’m looking at you 16-21 year olds) this means I’m past my prime, old, worn out, and that I probably should stay home, make pie and knit socks instead of going out and drinking/dancing/getting into general mischief and trouble. And, if I were to party the way I did at 21, pie and sockmaking would probably be a better plan than drinking. So what do you do if you’re not blessed with being 21 but you’ve still got some party left in you? Here’s an awesome guide for fine people 22-122 (is there anyone older than that?) who still have party left in them.

Pregame takes on a whole new meaning. Remember when pregaming meant doing shots in a parking lot before walking into a club? Not anymore. The older you get, the harder it is to swig patron in the parking lot and wake up feeling human. So what’s pregaming for the rest of us? Carbs. Seriously. I like to have a piece of toast with butter when I’m getting ready to go out. Maybe I eat it in the shower while shaving my legs. Maybe I nibble on it while doing makeup.

So what’s the story with the toast? Well, I’ve got firsthand experience with the shit that happens when I go out and drink on an empty stomach. Bathroom mirrors get broken. Shoes get lost. Keys get dropped down storm drains. So get something in your stomach to absorb that alcohol. Bread works. So does rice. Pasta’s always good.

Don’t carry a purse.  If you drink and get forgetful, there’s a chance you’ll lose your purse. Chances are, you don’t need that crap anyway. I mean, will you really need your phone in the club? Leave it locked in your glove compartment. Or, if you need it, shove it in your bra. Bring an ID, a bunch of singles (they’re great for tips AND strippers), and a credit card. Bring your car key. Leave the rest in the car. If you can’t find somewhere on your person to stash a car key, 2 cards, and a bunch of singles, there’s a really solid chance that you’re not wearing enough clothes.

Speaking of clothes, chose wisely. Sure, when you were younger you went out in that skintight little bandage dress that covered the region from your ass cheeks to your nipples, but little else. Fine. Your body was hot, and you were drinking on an empty stomach anyway, so it’s not like you needed to hide the giant burger you ate in your mad pre-drink carb loading frenzy.

At this point in your life, pick something you feel comfortable in. If you’re going out for food, pick something that expands with you, especially if you actually plan on eating. Show off your best assets, but cover up others. If you’re flaunting a mile of leg, stash that cleavage somewhere safe. Wear something long enough that you can lift your arms without flashing the lady bits. Wear something you can dance/ride a mechanical bull/walk a mile/run from cops in, if that’s what the night calls for. Dress for the occasion, not just to look hot. And yes, that goes for shoes too. A 21 year old wobbling in high heels is almost cute in that “ohhh, honey” kind of way. A 31 year old doing the same. . . yeah. Pick shoes you can walk in.

Once you’re there, pick your poison and stick to it. If you’re an ADD drinker like I am, pick a booze and change out the mixers. Rum goes well with lots of things. So do gin, tequila and whiskey. Vodka goes with damn near everything. But stick to one. Less boozes, less hangover, better tomorrow.

Once you’ve picked the booze, order something. Order the good stuff. You’re less likely to go overboard and get tanked if you can’t afford to go overboard and get tanked. So get that $20 a glass Single Malt. You’re only going to have one, two tops. Drinking better booze will actually make you less drunk. Who knew?

Now whatever you do, avoid shots. They’re terrifying. I’ve learned that nights involving shots of anything never end well. Sipping a really nice bourbon slowly tastes delicious, and it’ll ultimately have the same impact that the shot of Canadian Mist you just downed will have. But really, which is more satisfying. One will make you look classy, cultured, etc. One will land you in bed (or in a jail cell) next to someone missing a finger. Just sayin’

Simple. And remember, sweet drinks sneak up on you. I’m not saying to avoid them. They’re tasty, fruity and delicious. Just watch out for those suckers. Realize their power, and drink a ton of water.

And that brings me to my next point. Hydrate. With water, not booze. Drink a water for every booze you drink. Or for every 2 beers. Or, if you’re swigging on those sneaky fruity drinks, 2 waters for every drink. Trust me. You’ll have to pee a lot but you’ll feel better tomorrow.

Next up, knowing your limits. Don’t drink and drive. It wasn’t cool in after school specials, it wasn’t cool in PSA’s, it wasn’t even cool when you’re 21. If you have a moment of doubt, call yourself a damn cab. There are a lot of people out there who will thank you. Driving drunk isn’t just playing with your own life. Everyone on the road is at stake. And don’t go trying to give yourself a drunk test.

If you’re drunk enough to be balancing on one foot next to your car, trying to touch your nose, you’re too drunk to drive. If you’re drunk enough that you can’t locate the car on the first try, you’re too drunk to drive. If you’re drunk enough that you’ve kissed/fondled a stranger at any point tonight you’re too drunk to drive. Any doubt? call a cab. Sleep in your car (stash a pillow and blanket in the trunk and you’ll be sore but safe in the morning.) Take a bus/train. Just don’t be dumb and drive drunk.

Got any other drinking tips? Let me know.

And oh yeah, if you can’t afford to tip your bartender, you can’t afford to be out drinking.


3 thoughts on “Guide to drinking like you’re not 21 anymore.

  1. So you need to dress appropriately enough to possibly obstruct law enforcement officers, but you shouldn’t do shots because you could wind up in jail?

    Also, you definitely should be wearing those heels. Guys like girls in heels, whether she is wobbling in them or not.

    And, ya know, to be fair, if someone really needs to cover up THAT much at this point, might as well stay home.

    • kholzhauer says:

      It’s a snarky post. Much joking around. Read into it what you will .By appropriate clothing I just mean don’t show it all off at once. It isn’t about NEEDING to cover up, but realizing that it’s fine not to have everything hanging out all at once. Selective sluttiness, I guess.

      The point isn’t not to wear heels. It’s to learn to walk in your heeels, or find some that you can walk in. Besides, it really isn’t always about dressing up for guys.

  2. […] because they’re for “fat people.”  From the commenter who left this gem on a post on this blog ”Also, you definitely should be wearing those heels. Guys like girls in heels, […]

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