Uphill Battle: Fighting my Body Every Step of the Way.

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June 8, 2014 by kholzhauer

Lately, every little thing has been a fight.  Scratch that. Some things have been easy. Baseball games on beautiful days? Simple.  Insane concert at the Hollywood Bowl? Beyond simple. But along with these moments of sheer, unadulterated awesome have been moments of terror, of frustration and of sadness. In the past few weeks, I feel like I’m fighting my own body every step of the way – like I’m not really in control of myself. And you know what? It super-sucks.

Cutting Pole Class for a Dodger Game

Cutting Pole Class for a Dodger Game.Lazy, but It brought  us all so much joy on a Wenesday Night.


Bruno Mars and Pharrell at the Bowl. If you get a chance to catch the show, GO TO THERE!

I’ve got a medical thing going on. Nothing life threatening, nothing that should be life-altering, but scary nonetheless.  Yes, this is going to be like on of those lame, life sucks but I’m not going to tell you what’s wrong facebook statuses. I don’t want to go into details until I know details. I feel like that’s reasonable. But there’s a thing, and it means minor, but annoying surgery, and I’m scared, and feel out of control, and that total, complete chaos is kind of taking over my life. It’s extending into my relationship, into my pole practice, into little things that it has no business extending into.

So what am I doing about it?  I’m trying to bring more joy Pinto my life. I’m trying to take the things that leave me furious and cast them by the wayside. I’m scared enough right now, I don’t have to put up with other bullshit.

Work: I generally take on too much at work. I’ve been dividing my stuff into little tasks, so I feel like I accomplish things more quickly. Checking something off the list has been good. I’ve also been walking, been taking time to do little things like clean my office and organize my files so the place I spend 40+ hours a week feels a little more sane.

I realized doing this. . .

I realized doing this. . .

Can be as satisfying as tricks. . .

Can be as satisfying as tricks. . .

Pole: I dropped a workshop halfway through. Missed one class for a medical procedure, then just didn’t go back. Wasted Money aside, I feel pretty good about my decision. It wasn’t that the teacher was a bad poler, it’s not that she couldn’t teach. It’s that the structure of the class left me feeling defeated, and took any of the art out of pole. When each trick has to build on the last, suddenly the students who aren’t getting one part are left in the dust. Just saying.  The class structure was – warmup, trick, trick, trick, trick, leave. While the teacher is a great teacher and one of my favorite performers to watch, there’s something about losing the entire art of the thing that makes me sad.

So (when I can afford to buy classes again) I’m making it a point to take from teachers whose classes focus on more than one move or sequence each class. Teachers who take time for dance. I’m not in it to compete and win, If it’s not fun to me, I’m not doing it.

Friends: I haven’t been the best friend lately. I’ve been too absorbed in my own crap. I apologize. I’m going to try to make it up to everyone, to be more real with what’s going on with me, and to generally take more time for everyone, even if it means dropping a pole night, a gym night, or a night with the boyfriend to do so.  Also, focusing on giving back to people who have been beyond awesome by hosting a party for them all. Because love.

For now, that’s it. Sorry for vagueblogging. I’m kind of an asshole.


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